Melissa Nielsen: 40 Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

1. If I could be a bird, I’d be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

2. Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said “Hey, how’s it going?”. So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said “Now who’s asking the questions?”

3. Too bad Lassie didn’t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said “Lassie, go skate for help,” she could do it.

4. If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say “How do you figger that!” real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

5. I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don’t know I’m using blanks.

6. If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

7. Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it’s two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

8. I hate it when people say somebody has a “speech impediment”, even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a “speech improvement”, and I go up to the guy and say, “Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement.” I think this makes him feel better.

9. When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We’re rich! But it turned out to be something different.

10. Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

11. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.

12. To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

13. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

14. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said “Watch for Rocks.” Marta said it should read “Watch for Pretty Rocks.” I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

15. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and your friend are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

16. The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

17. Just because swans mate for life, I don’t think it’s that big a deal. First of all, if you’re a swan, you’re probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you’ve got, so why not mate for life?

18. If you’re robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

19. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

20. I’d rather be rich than stupid.

21. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”

22. I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don’t forget the thick, heavy eyebrows.” Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman.

23. When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

24. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

25. I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

26. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

27. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

28. If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.

29. If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if not mmmmboy.

30. I hope an animal never bores a whole in my head and lays its eggs in there because I might think I have a good idea but it’s really just the eggs hatching.

31. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

32. Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.

33. The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you’re still hitting those brakes.

34. Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers.

35. The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just like down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, “Hey, I’m Vine Man.”

36. I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver, and since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up real quick and hand it to him.37. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair, and get so bummed out that I just quit my job, and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

38. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

39. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

40. The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad". We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.