Lyndsae Benton: 40 Quotes from "The Office"

1.Michael Scott: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.
2.Dwight Schrute: He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious smoky rich flavor. Plus, you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.
3.Michael Scott: Every year, I get a $100 gas card. Can't put a price tag on that!
4.Jan: And where it asks to state your business he wrote, "Beeswax, Not Yours, Inc."
5.Dwight Schrute: We Schrutes make thirsty babies.
6. Michael Scott: Ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cuz a Scranton party don't stop. Huh huh huh!
7. Andy: Oompa loompa, doompadee dawesome, Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy. No, he was not, he was a total douche. Doompadee doom.
8. Michael Scott: Ed Truck, yuck, Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, oh Ed Truck is walking toward us, stop having fun. Start pretending to do work. What a jerk. He's... you know what... I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager people would laugh when they saw me coming, and would applaud as I walked away.
9. Dwight Schrute: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
10. Michael Scott: Society teaches us that, having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
11. Stanley: Only 364 days until my next pretzel.
12. Jim Halpert: Before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so from time to time I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. [reading fax] "Dwight, at 8am today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."
13. Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
14. Pam: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time.
15. Michael Scott: Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'.
16. Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like...Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
17. Michael Scott: Inventory is boring. In the islands they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do think so many businesses moved to the Caymans?
18. Andy: I really Schruted it.
19. Dwight Schrute: One of my life goals was to die right here, in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.
20. Jim Halpert: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.
21. Dwight Schrute: How would I describe myself? Three words - hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable.
22. Michael Scott: I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
23. Dwight Schrute: The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.
24. Kelly: Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is so hot. And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn't do it. Maybe he did it.
25. Michael Scott: It was a crime of passion, Jan. Not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
26. Dwight Schrute: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
27. Michael Scott: It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.
28. Dwight Schrute: Once I'm officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
29. Andy Bernard: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has - my brain. Which I use to my advantage when advantageous.
30. Dwight Schrute: And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
31. Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
32. Michael Scott: I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words: you're fired. "You're fired." Oh, "you're fired." He just makes people sad. And an office can't function that way. No way. "You're fired." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be "you're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so.
33. Dwight Schrute: (After he didn't tip the sub man) Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
34. Toby: Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
35. Michael Scott: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say “Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth”.
36. Dwight Schrute: A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
37. Michael Scott: I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.
38. Dwight Schrute: As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I've been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out.. she was. With a couple of guys, actually... so. Mystery solved.
39. Dwight Schrute: I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.
40. Michael Scott: I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity, and I consider myself a great philanderer.